“Negotiation
is the art of letting them have your own way”
Daniel Vare (Italian diplomat)
There is a thin line between the idea of going
with (while ensuring it’s where we want to go) and manipulating someone to get
your own way. However this thin line can be walked in instances that
necessitate it. As Robert Green wrote in his book ‘The 48 Laws of Power’:
“The
best deceptions are the ones that seem to give the other person a choice….give
people options that come out in your favour whichever one they choose.”
This is in effect the principle of Hobson’s
Choice: “a situation in which you
are supposed to make a choice but do not have a real choice because there is
only one thing you can have or do”. Hobson’s choice relies
on setting up the situation. There’s
a card trick in which the audience member is asked to choose between four
“stars” laid out on a table (each star containing four cards, placed face down
in a cross shape). The spectator first points to two stars, then to one, then
to two cards within the four remaining, and finally to one card of two. Each
time the other cards are removed from the table, leaving a final card unturned.
The denouement is revealing that the last card is in fact the card that the spectator
memorized earlier in an exercise where the deck is shuffled into vertical lines
of cards. The trick works every time as in fact the player does not have a
choice, even though they believe they are choosing freely. The person playing
the trick pushes the spectator to pick their card (previously identified
through a simple ruse) by either removing the cards pointed to, or the cards
that were not pointed to, depending on whether the target card is outside or
inside the selection, respectively. Done well, the spectator does not realize
that the card removal is based on inconsistent rules, and is amazed to see that
they “randomly” selected their chosen card, the identity of which was not previously
revealed to anyone.
This same technique can
be used in martial arts and life. Get your opponent to want to go in the
direction you wish. One way of achieving this is to use the principle of
opposites. Remember that the best way to push a big guy out of a door is not to
push him out of it. Stand in front of the door and push the guy in the opposite
direction; as he resists strongly, reverse and pull, letting his inertia propel him
out of the door with little effort on your part. Similarly, sometimes it’s best
to push in the opposite direction to secure that which you desire. It plays on our
natural tendency to go against, such that pushing in one direction is more likely
to get people moving the opposite way. One example might be employee
retention. Rather than hide the benefits of other places to work, it is better
to emphasize that employees will always be able to move on from their current
company with the skills and knowledge that they develop. Encourage them to look
for other options; engendering this feeling of freedom and choice results in a deeper loyalty
and a propensity to stay, rather than the opposite impression of being trapped with few options, which is more likely to lead to employees quitting.
There's more than one way to roll a stone!
